Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
