Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
