By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
