shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
