You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Randomize
