planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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