Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
