He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Randomize
