onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
