we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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