New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
