so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
