I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
