Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
