Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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