guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
