I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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