he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
