I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
