sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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