if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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