I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
