I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
