I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
