Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
