I'm so fucking centered right now
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
