my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
