I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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