I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
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I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
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Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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