I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
