you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
