Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
