i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
