So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
