He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
