i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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