Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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