sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
