I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
