I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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