At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
