Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
