Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Please don't give away my fajitas
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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