I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
