he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
