I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
