Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
