Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I need moral support for this bender
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
