I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
