my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
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