well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
