I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
