i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
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Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
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You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
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