She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Dignity is for republicans.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
