I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
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