she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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