Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Where are you guys?
Drunk
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